A picture is worth a thousand curse words
Updated: June 4, 2012 11:30AM
In every woman’s house is a gallery of photos — usually dozens of the children — from when they were toddlers and slinging a mud pie at a sibling, to the school play with missing front teeth.
Among these framed glossies might be one or two of Mom smiling next to her husband, pre-Grecian Formula.
Let’s face it, though: Once we women gain weight, no one can come near us with a camera. In my home, I set out land mines to ensure it, and taught the dog to bark when the kids open the drawer where the video camera’s stored.
My dirty secret is a muffin top that’s on its way to becoming a loaf of bread and no photographic evidence will ever surface.
Sure, some women never have problems posing for photos as they age. They also answer to the name of “Jane Fonda” and employ professional lighters, photographers and air-brushers. Those women are supermodel-trim and have never chowed on chocolate after an encounter with a PTA alpha mom.
One afternoon, my son approaches me with his cell-phone camera. I flee for the bedroom and lock the door.
“Mom, our English teacher wants us to write an autobiography and to include a family tree.”
“Substitute a block with ‘Mother Photo Unavailable,’ ” I say behind the door.
“Take a picture after Debby Boone’s given me a free Lifestyle Lift!”
My husband ends the debate by saying he’ll help, and soon the school project’s done. Ever-crafty, he lures me from the bedroom by saying, “Too bad your skin’s a little orange in this.”
I grab the poster, this dreaded family-tree project. I look at it and grimace.
He pasted down a recent shot of me hunched over another writer, a horrifying photo where I approximate the size of William Howard Taft. Tack on a handlebar moustache to my face and no one could tell the difference.
The resulting shriek from my lips sends the dog under a bed. Curses. I’m too late. My husband sealed it with spit and super glue. Welders couldn’t have blasted that ghastly photo onto the poster any better.
I groan. This is why most moms never willingly pose for photos.